Rome Diarys

I talked to my Mother today about the situation and she was very understanding she said not to make a comittment if i wasn't happy or sure so no marriage at the moment. She also said she would be worried if we had a baby as she thinks i would be the one just looking after it with not much help from Alex. And it would be 100 times worse with a baby than just a cat running round being naughty. As babies cry, scream, puke, poo, make a mess. She also said i can always come home and theres always a room for me. She said she doesnt think Alex is making much of an effort anymore to make me settled and that hes sounding selfish at the moment.

She said to raise a family you need to help eachother, depend on eachother work as a team and be happy.

I told her i plan to go to the gym when he eventually helps me join it and start going to the cinema like i used to in London as theres films coming out i want to see. I told her i don't want to live a seperate life when living with someone there would be no point to the relationship.

I have been thinking after Ciro's castration on saturday once i know hes ok after a week or so i think i might plan to visit Jess then. So i can have some time away from everything, i think it would be good for both of us.

Im going to find the map to the supermarket as well even if its 2 or 3 buses and go alone. Infact i think theres one near the Mall 30mins away from us by bus, i can go alone and get what i need. Also i might go to the zoo alone as well so i get to do something i enjoy even if its alone.

Alex was talking about an air purifyer last night which helps with allergys and would help with his pollen allergy in the summer as well. I really don't know if we will buy one so we will see what happens.

So last night Alex gets home from therapist and says he wants an allergy test to see if his allergic to cats and hes still not sure we can keep Ciro bla bla. I look up on the internet ways we can reduce the allergy and even after his castrated that reduces the allergy. Alex doesnt look convinced and emailed the women we got Ciro from telling her he has allergy and we dont think we can keep him. She says she can take him back and also take him for a few days to see if the allergy passes. Frankly he had already decided to get rid of Ciro and take the easy way out and not consider my feelings or that i faught 9 months to get the cat with him! So i say if Ciro goes then i can't live like this anymore and i will go!

He was shocked and said i love the cat more than him which is not true and i told him that. I said Ciro is my companion in the house he stops the lonelyness and hes going to be taken away how would you feel. He said i had hurt him and he felt alone and couldnt believe it etc etc. He thought now i wanted to go back to the UK and leave him after he said im all he has.

He said it was his fault for saying yes to getting a pet and he should never had said yes. But he knew i needed company. So then we went to bed.

In the morning he says he will try his best to keep Ciro and we can find ways to help with the allergy. Then he went on to say we can get a caged pet if he get rid of him so i will be ok?!?!?!?! I dont want another pet........

He thinks i don't care thats hes uncomfortable with the allergy but i do care i told him to take tablets which he DOESN'T take, i looked stuff up on the internet!

So he's now moving to do stuff hes arranged an allergy test, he found a shampoo online we can put on Ciro to kill the allergy. Things we can do to reduce it and make it better for Alex.

Then he tells me the allergy is inherited so our kids would be allergic to cats and Ciro!

How i was upset last two weeks is all gone swept away and its all about Alex again! It always ends up being about him.

And im sorry he feels hurt and lonely, but now he knows how i feel and felt. It isn't easy for me here i miss my family my friends my freedom. And he wants to take my little bits of happiness away and then expect me to stay here with no happy feelings. I have to think of my self it can't always be about him. I need to be happy to and i won't sacrifice that it would not be fair. My Grandmother did that for my Grandfather and she was never happy i will not be her.

So Alex has decided that his cold is now an allergic reaction to Ciro! No matter what i say he thinks its a cat allergy. I know he has sneezed in the past when some cats are present but we have had Ciro for almost 3 months and hes been fine. So he said he can't take allergy tablets for the rest of his life if this allergy is really bad. In other words we would have to get rid of Ciro I don't understand him sometimes it took me 9 months to convince him to get Ciro and when he was ill Alex said he couldn't life like this bla bla. And now again hes doing it again, having a pet should be a happy thing not all doom and gloom and i dont like the constant sense of blame he always directs in my direction.

So then he says today he doesnt know why we are both so stressed and what has changed. I told him im not happy as i dont think he cares about things that are important to me that we don't do the occasional thing i want to do. He just stared at me after that and didn't say anything so he's gone off to his therapist appointment tonight im sure to vent.

I think what im saying to him is registering but i don't know anymore because even after i say please please i really want to do this we still don't do it. He does the male thing of agreeing and then putting his head in the sand and then forgetting about it.

Then he says he doesnt understand why i am angry with him and he thinks nothing he can do is right or thats how he feels.

We are supposed to be happy! we are arranging our marriage for september but maybe thats not a good idea anymore.

Im sorry i ask for things, simple things, i don't think im high matiance, im not an older person i want to go out and do the occasional thing!

Im always happy to do what he wants, at christmas and birthdays i make a big fuss of him make sure hes happy and does and has what he wants. I do that out of love and happiness to make him happy.

It doesn't look like my friend Jess can make it to Roma now which makes me sad but i know there will be a next time and we can go out then.

I got really upset last night after talking to my parents, everything just built up and i couldn't stop crying. I just want some independance back i want to be able to do some courses and not worry about speaking italian. I miss feeling free to do stuff. I think Alex is realising more that these things are important to me and that i still feel lonely sometimes. He found me a gym near by today on the internet we just have to go there and sign up now so thats one food thing.

Alex asked me if i wanted to go back and visit my parents before May but i said no, i need to get sorted out there not go back to the UK when i feel like this or i will just want to stay there andnot come back. I need to feel more settled though before September if thats when we are getting married.

I want to find an even course or something where i can make more friends people interested in doing things like shopping, sightseeing, chatting. Not all that expat going out to get drunk! Im really not interested in that stuff, i need real friends like Jess.

Ciro is going crazy again today the hormones kicking in im curious to see what hes going to be like after saturday.

Im thinking about going to an English book shop and buying some books at some point as reading will give me something to do sometimes.

So the weekend comes around again and im looking forwards to the posponed Zoo trip, we wake up saturday morning have breakfast. I ask about the zoo and suddenly Alex is feeling cold and doesnt want to go out. Im not happy about this and he says we can go for a drive in the car so we go then ended up having a walk in the local park for an hour! I couldnt believe he did it again!!!

I wasn't happy with him and he knew it. So he says oh on sunday, so this morning we wake up and he has a sore throat and a runny nose so theres no way in hell he wants to leave the house! So again no zoo! I have got to the stage where im just going to give up wanting to do the things i want as they dont seem important to him but im not going to do any of the stuff which is important to him anymore he can forget that! Its better not to be disappointed anymore.

I hate this Man flu shit! a women wouldnt be so bloody poorly, i have been to work before in london with the flu! , with bad period cramps! i even went when i had chest pains once!

So again i end up looking after him and we play on the computer and thats it another waisted weekend.

We didn't even get to go on our walk to Macdonalds he said we would do today for lunch and walk back again like we used to do in the nicer weather

I really don't think i ask for much, occasional trip to the big supermarket, going to the zoo maybe twice a year. But he doesnt seem to care much about what i want, then he says oh i do love you! and im and now thinking in my mind uh huh yeah sure you do.

Im just going to do my own stuff on the weekends i think theres no point waiting for him to get of his butt.

My friend Jess is coming next weekend and i will probably just go to the zoo with her with or without him i just don't care anymore weather he comes or not.

We contact the lady we got Ciro from and she has a friend who should hopefully be able to look after him while we are away in May in the UK which is good. Once that is confirmed then we can book the tickets for the flight.

Im so looking forwards to this trip its all im thinking about at the moment i just want to be back in the UK with my family.

I bought myself a really nice black dress and top to go on top off it on wednesday in thinking of getting the one in grey as well.

Alex had said we can do exercises from my Italian exercise book togeather for an hour twice a week as i don't think hes impressed at my slow crawl pass at learning. And to be honest it will be better to do it togeather thats what i have wanted to do since starting learning the language.

Also he's mentioned about helping me find a gym so hopefully this week we will join me to one! I also found a game on the xbox called Yourself Fit which is an exercise game which looks really good and i want to get it!

My friend Jess is coming next friday to Rome im so happy and excited as we are going to go do lots of stuff like go to the thai place, shopping, maybe see the Wolverine film. She's using Wii fit and its really working for her!!

Ciro is being a monster and running about like crazy getting into everything! pulling stuff down climbing everywhere wanting lots of attention. Hopefully he will calm down after his castration next saturday! a few people have said he should do.

We need to find a cattery or somewhere which can look after him the 2 weeks we are in the UK in May as we havent booked the tickets yet until we find a place.

My brother contacted me through Facebook yesterday to tell me my Cousin had died I phoned them and my Mum was devistated as she really loved Little Pete he was such a lovely person. He had down syndrome and was so loving and always smiling he was 55yrs old and the funneral is next week. I sad i can't go i really would have liked to be there especially for my Mum and my Great Uncle and Aunt who's son it was. Thats one thing living in another country from your family if something like this happens your so far away from them

Ciro is ack to normal causing trouble and running about pulling stuff down. He went mountain climbing on monday we found him on top of the big fridge Alex got him down as its to high for me but with in 5 mins he was back on top of it. He can get down when he wants to but he comes down covered in dust! I got him another toy a mouse that makes an electronic squeek when you pat it he loves it.

I didn't go to work on monday i was still down about the weekend being shit i acutally got a bit upset and criend. Alex had that day off as well and we ended up having a long chat he hadn't realised how much my birthday ment to me and he felt really bad it hadnt been so good. He's feeling much better now and recovered from his cold.

My friend Jess is coming to Roma on the 1st March im really looking forwards to it! We are going to go out for dinner and go shopping it will be so much fun!!

So my birthday to be honest was a bit crap......i had really been looking forwards to it as its the one day of the year which is mine. Woke up on the day (saturday which is also Valentines day) opened my 3 cards from my friend, family and grandad & Uncle. Alex got me 2 cd's (which he got the day before after asking me on msn about different cd's). I got nothing for Valentines day, i got him a teddy bear and a mug saying 'i love you' on them which he liked. Then we took Ciro to the vet and got his vaccination done and told we can have him castrated in 2 weeks time which we then arranged to have done.
Then we went home and went out to lunch to the place we always go to (we eat there once maybe twice a week). Then back to the house where we sat on the computer all day.(We do this every weekend )
Then in the evening we went out to dinnver (to the same place we went to lunch) with two friends as the other 6 friends had cancelled or couldnt make it. I let all this pass as the next day we were going to go to the zoo and i was happy with that.

Sunday wake up and im all happy and Alex has a cold and doesnt want to go out. I got angry as it was my special days and i dont ask for much! He got upset, i know its not his fault that hes ill but theres always bloody something so i can't go to where i want to go!! and im getting fed up with it!! If i was still in the UK i would have gone shopping, out to the cinema out somewhere nice for a meal!! So i went out alone for an hour and half for a walk of course nothing was open so i couldnt even go clothes shopping
When i got back it was more computer all after!!! Then some of his friends came over for an hour to wish me happy birthday and that was it that was my birthday!! I went and had a cry in bed as i was so disappointed and angry.... all i wanted was a nice day

I talked to a lady at the Embassy today by phone and made an appointment to sign a document for my marriage documents. Its costing 142 Euros for them! which is alot of money! Once i have done that we can go to the local Commune (Italian town hall) and give a document in there then get another one then we can get the date for the wedding! So it might be in April or begining of May!! I can't believe we are suddenly moving to do it we have been talking about it at christmas and now suddenly we are going for it! I just hope the people who i invite from the UK have time to make arrangements to come over for it.

We don't have alot of money this month as alot of bills went out and car insurance etc! So we have to be good and not eat out like we do sometimes. We have plenty of pasta and some frozen stuff so we should be ok

Its raining again today thunder and rain and apparently the temp is going to get cold again and apparently the forecast said we might have snow on the 19th feb!! YAY!!

I am talking to two women off the expat site who seem nice and are either moving or living in Italy. Its nice to have people to talk to and release we all go through the same thing like homesickness, food cravings, language barriers, looking for work!

Alex had a really good birthday saturday we went and bought his board game Arkham Horror we went out to lunch and played on the computer in the afternoon. Sunday (the day of his birthday)i gave him his cards which he liked and then we settled down the play the board game! it was lots of fun but we need more than 2 people to win it but we did really well. I made pasta for lunch and in the evening we ordered pizza! He said he really had fun and was happy having a lazy day and just being togeather which was nice.

We are arranging our Birthday dinner for saturday 14th (my Birthday) night at a local place near us hopefully everyone can come! It should be a good night. Its so weird that our birthdays are just 7 days apart from eachother heehee.

I am still making things with the Das clay and beads and now i have knitting needles and wool. Although i tried to give it a go this morning and found it quite difficult so i think i might wait for my friend Jess to visit so we can do it togeather.

I made a new friend on the Expats in Italy website an American girl who is moving here nezt year with her Italian husband and two little ones. We are emailing eachother at the moment she seems very nice and sweet.

Ciro is back to normal eating everything in sight even my lunch! I have found if i mix the gravy cat food with a little of the normal food he eats it all without a fuss. Also I can easily but his antibiotic medicine and the vitmins in there as well and he eats it all which is a relief as he was being a pain before taking them!

I was Babysitting again yesterday as they were away last week Skiing, it was a fun afternoon we made some things out of material, chatted and read a book and played some games.

I found some beads in a cheap shop near where i live also come earring backs for long and short earring and stuff to make necklaces. I am really excited i have already made 2 bead rings, a necklace and a braclet! Its really fun and i love to creat things! Today i went back and they had DAS which is a air drying clay children can use i bought a big block and made a few little things already! I want to go back tomorrow as these things seem to sell fast and i want to get some paint as well to paint the things i make from it. I really enjoy being creative i have even made something for Alex for his birthday its kind of a material monster which i hope he will like I have got some beads etc for my friend Jess as well so when she visits i can give it to her and we can both make stuff as we want to be creative togather! and take pics of what we make and email them to eachother which will be fun

We have been looking at using Fimo clay as well which u model then cook in the oven we have seen lots of craft things made from it like earrings and necklaces its just a matter of going and getting these things!

Im really tempted to get another tattoo maybe of a black cat on my ankle as i love cats so much and it would be cool thats if i can find the right design/pic to have put there.

Ciro is back to his old self eating everything in sight! He was being bad and not taking his medicine but i have found if i mix it in the sachet food which has the gravy then he eats it all without a fuss. So i have stocked up on getting the sachet food although one of Alex's friends said we have to keep giving him the kitten food as theres vitimins in there for him but he doesnt like it anymore! I also got him a new toy a mouse on a string which squeeks when he hits it. He absolutely loves it and goes crazy chasing it all over the place.

Alex admitted hes a little jelous of the attention i give Ciro sometimes, also as Ciro has a habit of crying to get our attnetion in the evening as well especially if we are on the computer. But Ciro is really trying to get Alex's attention now he keeps laying on the computer table when Alex is using the computer or playing just under the screen and watching him. Alex is giving him more strokes now as he realises that Ciro is trying to interact with him more and he loves him to!

This morning i slept in until 12.10 and Alex the rung the house phone to wake me up! I can't believe he did that! when i logged onto the computer he called me lazy and told me to go out for a walk or something. I have a cold at the moment i don't feel 100% i feel hot and just want to sleep i told him this, you would think he would think of another reason than just calling me lazy!!!

Then when i woke up early with him today to feed Ciro and give him his medicine Alex told me 2 times to clean the old food from the food bowl even as he watched me do it! He does things like this i wonder sometimes if he thinks im retarded but apparently someone i know has the same problem and her partner is italian so it could just be in the Male Italians nature to be controlling in that way. I really hate it sometimes its like he thinks i can't think or funtion without his input.

Im still waiting to join a gym for my b'day as i told him thats what i want so i m still waiting on that like im waiting to go to the giant supermarket for the last 5 months! Im really in rant mode today!

Ciro is being naughty and won't eat his food with the medicine on it today i wish he would just be good for once he needs to take it or he will get a temp again!

Heard from my friend in London he said the snow there is so thick and lovely but there are no buses running and its mayhem to get to work for them! I wish it would snow here i haven't seen snow in ages! They are getting a Bengal kitten for his girlfriends birthday which was last week. And he's enjoying his new job at the moment which im glad about as he hates his old job alot and he was there for years!

Its my birthday in a few weeks and im feeling a bit depressed about it i don't feel like i have achieved much this last year apart from moving to Roma and getting the Babysitting job. I want to lose weight, join a gym, do an evening class do something social! As im a bit tired of doing very little on the weekends as Alex is tired from the working week and wants to do practically nothing which can be extremely boring.

We went through a few bad days with Ciro again with him he wouldn't eat or drink friday or saturday so he was weak we had to feed him through a syringe on saturday after the vets. Then in the evening we had procutto (which is a type of ham) and mozerella and he perked up once he smelt that and ate some. Sunday again he wasnt eating but he had some water and we cooked a bit of pork and he ate it. This morning hes back to his normal eating habits he had some sausage and some tuna and is eating his biscuits again which is good. Plus he's running around like a psycho as normal playing and wanting attention. We just have to make sure he eats the vitimans and antibitoics he needs to take and he will be ok.

Apparently its snowing in the U.K im so jelous! i know it can be cold but just to have some snow to have a snow ball fight or snowman. Im hoping people will post pics of the snow on facebook so i can see it

Alex is still worried he won't be able to cope with us having a baby as he's having a hard time coping with our cat! Which is a bit crazy really he wants a family and so do i but he needs to learn to relax and cope with things as they come instead of stressing about stuff and things that haven't happened yet!

I have got him a birthday card, we are getting the board game he wants on saturday its based on the lovecraft novels it looks quite cool. And for Valentines Day a little caffe mug with hearts on it and a heart in it which is really sweet.

My parents have heard from my brother he is ok and they friend seems to be ok which is a relief im glad all is ok with them.